When The Rubber Meets The Road

When the rubber meets the road
and you're standing on the sidelines
watching me watching
the broken line of road
you do not need to say
you do not need to look
you do not need to point
you do not need my reassurance
that you will endure
my broken fan belt,
dead battery,
or blown gasket.
When the rubber meets the road
just remember that you went to Dental school,
or the school of Cosmetology, or
you took a few General Ed. classes
before dropping out altogether,
you did not go to the school of auto mechanics
any more than I did so
don't pretend you did
don't pretend you did
don't pretend you did
even if you read a manual once that told you
how to change a flat tire.

-11/27/08

-XOXO,

Glamorous Weaklings

Glamorous weaklings,

how often we ache

how deeply we yearn

as the earth spins around

the sun once

for every day we've

marched through;

brave soldiers we are

on ground that is foreign

the land mines not clear

the steps must be ginger

but brave and deliberate

left right left

how easily we fall

so beautiful, so tender,

as stoic as statues,

yet fragile as dust.

11/24/08

The last picture

Last night, after dinner and dessert with friends, Derek stopped an innocent passerby on the street and asked him to take our picture. It would have been a great idea, if this particular person didn't need to be wearing a warning sign around his neck. The guy took a picture of us, alright, but I think he was confused and thought that we actually asked him to take a picture of the sky. And then, when he was handing the camera back, he dropped it, it fell to the ground, and proceeded to break. Y'all, I'm not even going to show you the picture. Just imagine the sky, at night, so it's black, and then at the bottom of the picture, 4 little heads. That would be us. The end.

-XOXO,

what I did today

Today I did all the things I always do:

spun around the sun 1x

pushed something too far

let something go

missed the point

wrestled out some kinks

ironed in some new ones

exposed a flaw

discovered gold

marked a page

logged in data

forgot

remembered

loved
hated

validated

fullfilled

neglected

let go and held on tight...

Today, I was the same person I always am:

a very brave coward

weak

strong

wisely stupid

immaturely mature for my age

profoundly simple

deeply shallow

gently harsh

clumsily graceful

disciplined

undisciplined

saying too much (which is never

enough)

-XOXO,

Two boys

Two brothers

stand in front of the ocean

sometimes warm, sometimes cold

sometimes laughing, quiet, or yelling

dry, wet

(just remember that

it's always more complicated

than the surface of the thing

which can appear as smooth as glass

but can swell, reach out

and knock you down

or swallow you

then spit you out

when you are not looking

or running fast enough

just remember that it's deeper darker and

surprisingly full of unseen beauty and life

and you stand

in front of it,

together)

-11/18/08

-XOXO,

Some days, the beach

(Pre-script: To get the most out of this post, possibly including, but not limited to, an incredible urge to shout "LUCKY!,"* go down to the playlist, click on the song "Heavenly Day," and then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

I spent just about every Sunday of summer '08 on the beach. I never get tired of looking at the ocean, and can't think of a better place to take a child. The weather is very unpredictable, though; it can be hot and sunny in San Jose, and at the same time along the coast it can be overcast, chilly, with a breeze that bites you, directly through whatever layers you may happen to be wearing. And it hurts... Like you are being bitten with actual teeth...cold, frozen teeth at that. So imagine the joy and delight of my heart when the weather forecast for a Sunday in the middle of November was 80 degrees with little to no wind. And imagine my joy and delight when I got to the beach and the forecast was correct. Now let's all take a moment to reflect on that...a warm, sunny, NON WINDY(most important) beach day in the middle of November!!!!

Y'all, it was fantastic.

-XOXO,

P.S. ...and don't forget the sea glass, honey...

*Napoleon Dynamite

"My just wookin' for hum gum"

(Pre-script: To get the most out of this post, first go down to the playlist, click on the song: " 32 Flavors," then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

This afternoon, baby girl was looking in my purse, and when she saw me seeing her, she said "My just wookin' for hum gum."

which properly translates to

"I'm just lookin' for some gum."

Um, no.

-XOXO,

Blink

My eyes are blinking

(they want to close)

the truth,

when blinding,

is

too bright to see

too brilliant to comprehend

(what I already know, as it pounds my chest)
but I step forward and
my skin is warm,
my eyes are clear, moist, and shining.

(God be small enough to fill in the cracks.)

11/13/18

-XOXO,

Standing at the edge of the world...

(Pre-script: To get the most out of this post, please go down to the playlist, click on the song"Closer, by Joshua Radin, at the very bottom of the list. As the song plays, pay special attention to the words "Only get closer to the point where I can take no more" for therein lies the essence of this post. If you also take the time to get yourself some sort of strong beverage before you read it, this post experience will be that much more bearable. You go do that; I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

I hate it when the peeps do this:

or this:

Talk about giving me a mini heart attack. They weren't even that close to the edge in the first picture, but who knows when that part of the cliff is going to break off and fall into the ocean? Yes, I know there was a rail in that second picture, but who knows when that thing was last serviced? Who knows when that rail is going to break off and fall into the ocean? Instead of running to protect them as any good mother should, I had to first take pictures of it. As Everyone knows, you take the picture, then you protect the peeps. Right? Besides, look at their father, right there among them, there, in the very midst, completely condoning these great feats of danger, and even joining them in their reckless revelry.*

Y'all, here's a secret: Some days, I just cringe.

-XOXO,

*Take special note of the fact that I was standing far back when I took these pictures. That is because I have more sense about the dangers of high places near ocean cliffs than all of them combined.

9 years

(Pre-script: This song is best paired with the song: "Unwritten" by Natasha Beddingfield. Go down to the playlist, click on it, then come back and read the post. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

When my first baby was born, I remember thinking "I just had a baby, and there she is." It was very matter of fact and also extremely surreal. It was like I was watching the movie that I was starring in. Then they handed her little bundled up self to me, and I looked at that tiny perfect face, and the feeling of that tiny baby in my arms felt like the most perfect feeling in the world. I couldn't imagine ever putting her down or ever looking at anything else again. And then as she breathed, she would occasionally make a humming noise, and that was the end of life as I had ever known it.
I was also struck with the realization that I had never been so vulnerable in my life before; that from here on out, for the rest of my life, if anything happened to this tiny little package in my arms, I would be ruined. I could have never prepared for that, was not ready for that, and yet it came on so strong, full force, instantaneous. Amazing how the birth of a baby causes the universe to flip completely over and around and through you...

...And then, the rest of your life.

-XOXO,

Sometimes, let go

Sometimes, don't wait
for the thing to crack
and crumble
and fall apart all around you
sometimes, let go
before it gets the better of you
wraps itself around
and squeezes the joy
wrings out the laughter
and leaves a shaking shell
that used to contain you
and I know this thought
causes your stomach to drop
and I know you think
you'll go flying
free falling
into something you can't comprehend
and maybe,
maybe you will,
probably you will,
yes, I think that you will,
(for a while, at least)
but sometimes,
sometimes,
your palm has to be open
and empty
sometimes your hand has to face upward
towards the sun
or the clouds or
whatever
sometimes
the scratches there on have to be windswept,
rain bathed,
sun bleached
sometimes...
it has to be emptied before
BEFORE
it can hold
anything even half real
anything even half resembling truth
so
sometimes
(and this requires strength you are not strong enough for)
sometimes,
(and this requires a bit of naivete, too)
sometimes,
(and this requires more than you can ever begin to know)
sometimes,
with everything in you,
let go.

-11/4/08

Just another park and a haircut

(Pre-script: This song is best paired with the song "One Headlight" by the Wallflowers...)

-XOXO,