Monday, November 9, 2009

Blame it on the Swine

(Pre-Script: It is possible that this post will keep you from dying of the latest pandemic when read as the song, " How To Save A Life," #33 on the playlist, plays in the background. Go down to the playlist, click on that song, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

Everyone don't gasp at once, but I have symptoms of a cold/flu. I know, I know, it's probably the Swine Flu, this being 2009 and all. But we aren't supposed to call it Swine Flu, are we? We are supposed to call it, "H1N1," so as not to offend the swine and those who love them.
At one time, Oprah said she would never eat cow meat again, and it caused an uproar. Apparently, those who love and raise cows were worried that this steak and burger loving nation would forget their hearts desire, their "Steak, it's what's for dinner," *and "2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun,"* and "Where's the beef"* commercials and completely abandon all cow meat because Oprah said she would, and everyone knows who Oprah is. The cow advocates forgot that public figures who are also members of this here United States of America have freedom of speech. They also have freedom of opinion. The rest of the members of the nation being run under such a Constitution also have the freedom to have their own thoughts and opinions, and are not required to live exactly how Oprah is saying that she is going to start living, even if she is encouraging her fellow everyman to "Live your best life."* The rest of the country is able to decide if living their best lives involves steak or not. If it involves swine or not.
I bet that Swine and Those Who Love Them are offended by the term, "Swine." It is negative to pigs and pork. Swine sounds dirty. Pig sounds so very Wilber. Pig is a pink word. "Swine" is the color you get when you mix all the watercolors in the Crayola Watercolor palate: Some indescribable mesh of gray brown pea green. Gross. Swine are germ and fly infested. Pigs inspire gleeful snort laughing. But let me remind the lovers of swine and pigs that these lovable creatures were discriminated against long ago, as far back as the Old Testament of the bible,WAY before the word "Swine" even existed.
These days, relax, I don't think anyone who loves bacon, "Everything's better with bacon,"* pork, "The other white meat"* and ham, "The pink Easter meat"** is going to hightail it out of there anytime soon, claiming to have "seen the light." Pigs are in business, baby. Big time.
As for my own personal case of Swinus Influenzus,*** can just go now.

*All various slogans that I gently borrowed here.

**I made this one up all by myself

***AKA "Swine Flu."****

****Only I made up the Latin Name for Swine Flu, too.

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