Saturday, January 30, 2010

Call Him George

(Pre-Script: This post is meant to be read as the song, "She Will Be Loved, " #11 on the playlist, plays in the background. Also, check your judgements at the door. TYVM.* I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

If I say, "I love you" so that you will say it back to me, then I'm not really saying I love you, am I, I am not really loving you at all. I am sucking you dry, squeezing you for my own self. It's as if you are an orange, and I am saying "I love your juice" as I squeeze it out of you. You probably feel a little tight. You probably need to catch a breath from that. Catch your breath? You okay now?

"And I will love him and squeeze him and call him George."**

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to tame my own inner Abominable Snow Rabbit. By "Inner Abominable Snow Rabbit," I mean not so inner, but more outer and obvious than I would like to admit to myself most of the time.

"hug him and squeeze him and pet him and pat him and..."

I love you.

I just said I LOVE you, you had better say it back to me.

(I don't say I love you for me, I say it because I'm insecure and need a pat on my own back, so I pat yours so you will pat mine. I feel ugly today, so I tell you how fantastic you look so that you will tell me how fantastic I look, too. Then I won't feel so down on myself today, if I can just squeeze the right compliment out of you.)

"And I will love him and squeeze him and call him George."
"Hug him and squeeze him and pet him and pat him...and call him George."

*I need to be able to give a compliment without expecting any sort of reciprocation. I need to be able to give without needing something in return, without expectation of the reaction from the other end. My only expectation to be that the one hearing it will be receiving, and fully receiving, and filled, filled more fully than ever before. And peace. Expectations make me needy, so I am learning not to say the thing if I really, really want to hear it in return. I just don't say it then.
I have found that people surprise me pleasantly, when I let them be, and when I don't hang over them my laundry list of hopes and dreams and expectations for this and that. Let people be, and cry my own tears in my own places and ways, and people are free to come and go as they need, and want, and more will want will want will want to come back again, even if they had to go away for a little while.*


*Thank You Very Much

**The Abominable Snow Rabbit, to Daffy Duck

No comments: