Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Clue's for you.

(Pre-Script: I interrupt this post long enough to tell you to first go down to the playlist, click on the song, "The Heart of the Matter," #40 on the playlist, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

So I am on the phone. I am on the phone because it rang and I answered it. Silly girl. I should have known better. How long will I strive with myself, how long will I remain patient with my own inability to learn my own lessons and follow through with them? It's hard to say. I tend to be very forgiving, of my own shortcomings, at least.
This particular lesson I failed to follow is to never answer the phone if I do not recognize the number. Sometimes I do anyway. I answer by saying "Hello," in various tones of voice, depending on the mood I am trying to convey.
Sometimes it's a simple "Hello?"
questioning sweetly, Innocently.
Sometimes it's more like "Hello!"
like, "Here I am, answering your call in all of my confident assurance."
Sometimes it's more of a sing song, "Hello," or "Hello, or "Hello,"
there are several sing songy variations.
So imagine my surprise when I pull the exact right "Hello," the one I am feeling is perfect for the moment, when what I hear back is at first silence, then
"Please hold and wait to hear an important announcement."
Um, no.
NO, no no no no.
Honey, you don't call me and then put me on hold. If you have an important thing to tell me, call me in person. I hang up every time. In the rare case that maybe it IS a real emergency, I'll see it on CNN. Oh wait, I never watch CNN, so I will see it when they interrupt Regis and Kelly to tell me about it. They tend to interrupt Regis and Kelly to say "We interrupt this program to bring you a Special Announcement" and it's never a Special Announcement, it's a political speech, again. If I wanted to hear the speech someone is giving at this exact moment or whatever, I would be watching CNN. But you see, I am watching Regis and Kelly, because I want to see Regis and Kelly, I do not want to watch the speech currently in progress and then 10 people's commentary and then an interview with a bystander. If I wanted to see that, I would be watching CNN, like I said, but I am saying it a fourth time here for emphasis in the hopes that a TV programmer will read this and get the clue phone, it is ringing, it is ringing loudly for you, it is a Special Announcement for YOU...or else it is a different kind of Special Announcement, which is probably that vacuum cleaners are on sale two for one this weekend only.
So I am on the phone, and whenever this happens and I am in the United States of America, which is always, I think it is obvious that we will be conversing in English, so I am disturbed when I am actually asked to press 1 for English. I think it should be the assumed fall back language that we will be conversing in, since we did win that war all those years ago. Because what if I intend to press "1" but my finger slips and I accidentally press "4?" I will be stuck listening to you talk to me in Cantonese, and I will have no idea how to properly respond, and I will be so frustrated by that.
Clue phone, it's for me, I never learned Cantonese, DOH!

So I am on the phone, and the sales person on the other end wants to sell me something SOOOOO BAD!! So he is talk talk talking at me at rapid speed without a break or even taking a breath, and I am expected to listen intently, then to purchase an item or 5.
Oh honey, No.
No, no no no no.
There is a specific Clue Phone with your name etched permanently into it.
It rings incessantly.
Answer it, quick...
...and don't take it personally when I hang up; it's not you, I do this to every stranger who tries
to get my attention by ignoring me, then running his mouth.


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