Saturday, September 12, 2009

...In Which I Daydream Thusly...

(Pre-Script: This post tastes like a dream meal when read while the song, " Going the Distance," by Cake, #53 on the playlist, or "Cornflake girl," #36 on the playlist, plays in the background. So go down to the playlist, click on one of those songs, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

Come close and I'll tell you a daydream.
Are you even ready for this?
Warning: You might not even be ready for this.
I am a guest judge on Iron Chef America*. I am sitting at the table with the other two judges waiting for the battle to begin, then end, so that I can dig in to each of the 5 courses, count them, 5 each, which equals 10 courses(!!) that the Iron Chef and the Guest Chef have created in the hour they have in which to create said dishes. Now, in this daydream, it is important to note that there are no snobby judges at the table with me. You know, the ones with the perfect palates? Who look down on those of us who don't know the proper way to eat a quail egg or how to make "foam?" Who have never actually eaten off of a plate that contained foam or quail eggs? But I have eaten Robins eggs, those chocolate ones that you get at Easter.

"But Michelle,"
OH! I hear my Imaginary Reader interrupting!
"Michelle, those aren't real robin eggs, you know."
Yes, dear Imaginary Reader, I know.
"...cause real robins don't lay chocolate filled eggs."
Imaginary Reader, I already said I KNOW! GOSH!
"Just making sure. You don't have to bite my head off."
Yeah, so ANYhoo, speaking of biting off my daydream, The secret ingredient would not be any kind of seafood, because when there is seafood, the chefs often think it's awesome to make some dish that the head has not been cut off of, and you are sitting their looking at your dish that is looking back at you. Y'all, I am not cultured enough to eat things that look back at me. I am not cultured enough to lick foods that lick me back. I have no desire to ever be that cultured, or to sit at a table amongst those who are. I also don't wish for the secret ingredient to be anything gross like beets or broccoli or peppers or cabbage. Why? Because I don't like any of those things, and it's my daydream.
Some ideas for dream ingredients are: cheese.
Oh how I would love to be the judge of battle cheese!
What if the judges made that glorious thing with Brie cheese, where it's melted in the middle, crusty on the outside, and you pair it with almond slivers and apricot jam on a cracker?
Or what if they made blue cheese dressing in which to dip my mushroom pizza?
Or what if they made anything with feta cheese?
OH how I love and long for feta cheese.
"Everything's betta with feta."
-you know it, baby.
And now, I cannot think of any other single stinking secret ingredient.
So I will leave it at,
"I daydream of being a Guest Judge on Iron Chef America on episode: Battle Cheese."
Amen, let's eat.


*Of the Food Network fame.

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