Wednesday, April 1, 2009

All my screws.

(Pre-script: This post will be digested best if the songs "Only Hope," or "Beautiful, Scandalous Night" play in the background as you read it. Go down to the playlist, click on that song, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait.) (...still waiting...)
I think that God is often closest to people who aren't even aware of it. Anyone who is brokenhearted, God is near.
Sometimes people are turned off by the idea of a God or a Savior because the word "Christian" has been polluted. Some people get caught up in church culture, movements, denominations, rituals, music styles. Whatever happened to loving Jesus and letting the Holy Spirit change your life in ways human will alone never can? And I mean, even as I go through my typical day of doing menial jobs and eating too much ice cream?
Some people act "WE HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS-" ish,
"We have the t shirts and the bumper stickers and verses to solve your problems."-ish.
"We are dorkily happy all the time."-ish
"You can't trust us AT ALL."-ish.
Nobody wants to be associated with that. Okay, I can't speak for everyone; I don't want to be associated with that, and I already love Jesus. I feel like Jesus is very near. But I can't stand fakeness. I think that humility means being real. I think that pride is sometimes saying "I would never blah blah blah, fill in the blank, or associate with those who do." and feeling good about that. I think that insecurity is also pride; it's saying that your own opinion of yourself is more relevant than God's opinion of you.
I often talk to God like, "What is going on?" And I am earnest in the asking.
One day, I was sitting in church and feeling like the screwed up version of myself that I always am, but not willing to let go of the screws. Somedays I am sort of willing to give up the screws, but only for about 3 hours, tops. So I said, "Okay, God, I don't even have the energy or desire to reach out for you. All I can barely do is this" and I barely wiggled my fingers. And God said,"That's enough," and He reached down and grabbed my hand. I still wasn't feeling like letting go of the screws. But I had God holding on to me, as I tightly clutched my screws.
Today I read an article in a magazine about a famous person who I think is incredibly hilarious and brilliant and misunderstood, misinterpreted, and damaged. I thought, "God is very close to her. She might not realize it, though."


vic-a-la said...

"I think that insecurity is also pride; it's saying that your own opinion of yourself is more relevant than God's opinion of you."
that is SO good, mish! amazing perspective. so true and well said! great reminder. thanks.

Patrick Brosnan said...

Your opened up your heart and spilled yourself out to those listening - you did, once again, a fantastic job of writing and delivery.

Clutching the screws of our lives, not letting anyone see or grab them at times becomes a security and a crutch until we see the hand of God holding onto our hands . . . letting go does seem to get easier.

Brian said...

I agree with Patrick, I'll never tire of reading you because you honestly open your true self for all to see.

Once again you've given me (and hopefully lots of other people) a lot of very deep things to think about...and if I/we can find our way, they can be life changing.

Some of your best work...keep it flowing.