Tuesday, April 21, 2009

This Is My Earnest Plea

(Pre-Script: Please read this post as either the song, "How to Save A Life,by the Fray" #35 on the playlist, or "Closer" by Joshua Radin, #32 on the playlist plays in the background. If you choose the song "Closer," pay special attention to the line, "Only get closer to the point where I can take no more," for that nicely expresses the sentiment captured here in this post. Go down to the playlist, click on a song, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

So, Where were we? Oh, right, I was at the gym. I don't know where you were. I am often at the gym, and you might have been there, too. If you were there, I hope you were among the "most" of us who wear deodorant when we work out. If you were not among the most of us, then this post is for you, and it is written in love. When I say "love," what I mean is that it is written in total disgust and nauseated feelings. Sometimes love takes that form. The simple message of this post, the simple, earnest plea is, always wear deodorant. No matter who you are. Even you. Yes, you. Even if you are only running into the 7-11 for milk. Even then, my dear children. Even then. It does not take more than a minute, I promise. And it covers over a multitude of...sins. I am sure. Maybe a person thinks "I am going to work out, I am going to sweat anyway." Baby, you should not be wearing your 'just rolled out of bed' funk to the gym. Oh, no, not even you. And yes, if you do nothing to combat "just rolled out of bed funk," then you are still residing in it, for it does not magically disappear on it's own. What I strongly recommend, (and when I say "strongly recommend," I mean "do this or I cannot continue to like you") is that you at least, at least, brush your teeth and apply anti-perspirant/deodorant. If you also apply some sort of body cream of lotion to remove any ashyness or dryness, that will be enjoyable, too. Folks, these are simple things that take almost no time at all. But they are a gift to everyone around you. The people around you will not realize it is a gift, they will not notice what is missing, which is good. If you had not taken these steps, they would have noticed, though.

"...but Michelle,"

My Imaginary Reader interjects at this point,

"...Michelle, what about you, are you being at all hypocritical in this call out post?"

Gentle Reader, Trust me, I do not believe it's a workout unless I am thoroughly drenched. I wear the strongest deodorant I can find. I enter the gym with brushed teeth and lotioned up skin, and maybe even a dab of Vaseline on the lips. No one wants chapping, and when I say "no one," I really mean just me, and I am actually only referring to my own lips. Vaseline is not a gym requirement. It's just sometimes a personal preference. Sometimes. But I digress.
My point is that even with the care I take before a workout, AFTER a workout, I would not recommend that you, you, or any of you sit or stand within a 5 foot radius of me until after I have showered. I am trying to imagine how it would be if I had never deodorized, lotioned, and brushed...and sometimes Vaselined...and I cannot even imagine the potential horror. I think I would pass out and not be able to complete my own workout. I know this is not a pretty thought, my people, but it is a true thought, and I do not mind making myself a humiliating example if it is for your betterment...in this case, at least.
Now, it has come to my attention that there are people in the world who believe that they do not have any body odor whatsoever. When I say "it has come to my attention," I mean that people have actually told me this. When I say "people," I mean that more than one person has told me this. One person told me this about her spouse, "He actually has no body odor and can go without deodorant." I am convinced that he hypnotized her before he proposed and has not waken her up since. Come real close, people, my people, whoever you are: Anyone who makes these claims about not having any body odor is not to be trusted. I do not trust these statements. Ever. I certainly do not need it proven to me. Even if you believe this to be true of yourself, just wear the dagnabbit deodorant, already. When a person starts to make claims in public of, "I am not wearing deodorant because I have no body odor," it makes everyone else nervous. They will feel antsy around you, and jumpy, too, and not want to sit next to you anymore. by "everyone else, " here, I mean, "me," I mean that if I myself was around you and you made such an outlandish claim, I would have to excuse myself to the next room, and I assume this to be true of most other people, as well. Except for maybe your spouse, if you have hypnotised him or her. And besides, I would much rather smell the "Tropical Breeze," "Ocean Mist," or "Spring Bouquet" of your anti perspirant or deodorant of choice than your...natural "no odor" smell. Trust me, a little "toasted coconut" smell is a comfort.
Now, if you are new to the concept of deodorant, and don't know where to start, I will share even more intimate details of my personal life with you. It is painful for me to be so vulnerable in such a public setting, but like I said, if it helps a brother or sister out...
I, Michelle, Oh She Of Extremely Sweaty Workouts, am a long time fan of Secret Deodorant, the particular current make and model in my bathroom cabinet being: "Secret Clinical Strength Sport Marathon Fresh Scent Advanced solid." It's the best I can find, but it does sometimes make my armpits itch.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If we need to form a street team to make people aware of the need of deodorant then count me in.

You know what I hate too? That earthy slightly sweaty smell. Not B.O but just a general earthiness. The UPS man at my old work used to smell like that everyday. I'm not sure what you can do about it but maybe a nice all over spritz with a spray deo? Or maybe just some body mist?

Great post!