Thursday, August 13, 2009

Interview with a Cake

(Pre-Script: For the sugary sweetness of this post to fully saturate your bloodstream, please read it as the song, "Going the Distance," by Cake plays in the background. It's number 53 on the playlist. Please go down to the playlist, click on that song, then come back and resume reading. Notice I said "please;" I am being sweet today. I'll wait.) (...still waiting...)

Yesterday I read a magazine article that said "Cake is not your friend." Since I had taken my "Duh" and "What's What" pills that morning, it was immediately clear to me that the magazine article was not my friend, and that whoever wrote it had been eating the wrong kind of cake.
Blink blink.
Obviously. Gosh.
Think about it.
Who else comforts me when I am sad about turning another year older on my birthday? I mean, let's face it, I have never been sad about the new number I am turning on my birthday, but I am being facetious here to make a point. Cake is my friend, my very dear friend, who comforts me in a time of need. Who makes my heart gladder by it's presence. Who understands me more than any other. Who sticks with me closer than a brother. I know this is true because I have 3 brothers, and none of them have ever gotten stuck to my thighs.
When I eat cake, I become what I have eaten, which is sweet, sweet, sweet, and hyper, too, but mostly just sweet, and light, and fluffy, and happy. Because cake is a happy food. It really is. If you could interview a cake, "Hey cake, how do you feel?" and get an actual answer, the cake would say "I am happy. Happy and sweet. So will you be if you eat me. Come on, eat me eat me eat me." This is what cakes say in their minds, it is a telepathy power that they have over humans. They do not speak in an audible language that a human ear can detect, but they probe deeper into your mind and there they speak their mantra over and over until you fulfill the words the cake has commanded you to fulfill. This cannot be helped. It is the law of cake telepathy*. No mortal man can escape it's power. Well, some men will say incomprehensible things, like, "No thanks, I'm full," as if fullness has anything to do with it. I say "Men" because in my extensive research I have found that 78% of cake rejectors do indeed tend to be men, who are lacking the sweetness they do not even realize they are so desperately in need of. The other 22% are dieting women. Neither are fun to be around during cake time at a party. I would much rather hang out with the cake.
'cause it is my true sweet friend after all. But now I see I am getting cyclical in my logic, (Hello, Duh and What's What pills!) so the only thing left to say is
Amen, let's eat.


*For more about the laws of nature and of physics, please read the previous post, "Spinning around in a miracle."

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