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(Pre-script: This post is best read as the song " Unwritten," by Natasha Beddingfield plays. go down to the playlist, click it on, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...)
(...still waiting...)
(...still waiting...)"It's been so long since you quoted anyone!" I can hear the crowd raving, just screeching and screaming, "Encore, encore!! NO, don't tell us we have to go home now!!! Do More impersonations! Do More impersonations!!! RAAAHHHH!!!!" They are just screaming it.
Well, okay, folks. You win. Here's a Kelly Ripa that I've been saying around the house this week to my peeps. (okay, just to Derek) "Sweetie, sweetie, (with pauses in between words to make pouty face lips) "Don't be a playa hayta, sweetie." And my other favorite Kelly Ripa-ism, "Don't judge me, don't you judge me," after she says anything about her kids.
And now, here, I'm going to throw out a whole heaping handful from Napoleon Dynamite, possibly tweaked slightly, because it's oh, so deliciously fun to toss Nap. Dyn. quotes around at every possible opportunity. So open your candy bags wide, my trick or treat seekers, and I will fill them, yes, and I will fill them sweetly...even FLIPPIN' Sweet*-ly...
"Like anyone could ever know that" -Kip. This line is best used whenever a statement of indisputable fact is made. i.e., a couple of weeks ago, when Derek and I were at the beach, and I said "That's the largest body of water in the world." and he said "Like anyone could ever know that." (We're still laughing it up over that one.)
"Get up and get your own dang (fill in the blank)" An adaptation from Grandma saying to Napoleon, "Get up, Napoleon, and make yourself a dang quesadilla" This quote is best reserved for moments when it will be unexpected and when it hasn't been used in several days...it will quickly lose it's luster otherwise...i.e., the other morning, when Derek asked me to toss him an-oh, what did he ask me to get him? I forget, I think it was to check the weather forcast on his phone...and I said "Get up, Derek, and get your own dang weather report." Nap. Dyn. sarcasm first thing in the morning? Totally unexpected and therefore gut bustingly funny!
"Well MY chores are done." another Kip quote here. This one's hilarious anytime you want to toss it out there; done working at the end of the day? Time to quote Kip. Just changed a messy diaper? Taken out the garbage? Washed the dishes? Cleaned the rat cage? Lifted a finger in any way? Kip quote time! Bring it on. And sometimes add, "You ready, LaFawnda?" Gets 'em rolling in the aisles every time.
"That's like, a dollar an hour!" Best used anytime anything about time or money is mentioned. i.e., if I were to say to Derek, "Milk was on sale for $5.98 for 2 gallons" he could respond with "That's like, a dollar an hour!" If he said to me, "I have to work on Saturday from 11-3." I could say "That's like, a dollar an hour!"
"But Michelle," you say, "how can I know for certainty that MY peeps will laugh at these quotes? What if I don't get the tone of voice right, or something?"
Gentle reader, relax. It matters not that you sound exactly like your hilarious predecessor. The fact that you are even trying to sound like the original is what is hilarious about the whole thing. And believe me, if your peeps have any true sense of true humor, they will laugh. AbsoFRUITly**, they will laugh.
If you are among the .1% of readers who will read this post and roll your eyes in disgust, all I have to say to you, in my best Kelly Ripa voice and with my best Kelly Ripa facial expressions, is "Sweetie, don't be a playa hayta, sweetie..." (insert pouty lips here)
Well, okay, folks. You win. Here's a Kelly Ripa that I've been saying around the house this week to my peeps. (okay, just to Derek) "Sweetie, sweetie, (with pauses in between words to make pouty face lips) "Don't be a playa hayta, sweetie." And my other favorite Kelly Ripa-ism, "Don't judge me, don't you judge me," after she says anything about her kids.
And now, here, I'm going to throw out a whole heaping handful from Napoleon Dynamite, possibly tweaked slightly, because it's oh, so deliciously fun to toss Nap. Dyn. quotes around at every possible opportunity. So open your candy bags wide, my trick or treat seekers, and I will fill them, yes, and I will fill them sweetly...even FLIPPIN' Sweet*-ly...
"Like anyone could ever know that" -Kip. This line is best used whenever a statement of indisputable fact is made. i.e., a couple of weeks ago, when Derek and I were at the beach, and I said "That's the largest body of water in the world." and he said "Like anyone could ever know that." (We're still laughing it up over that one.)
"Get up and get your own dang (fill in the blank)" An adaptation from Grandma saying to Napoleon, "Get up, Napoleon, and make yourself a dang quesadilla" This quote is best reserved for moments when it will be unexpected and when it hasn't been used in several days...it will quickly lose it's luster otherwise...i.e., the other morning, when Derek asked me to toss him an-oh, what did he ask me to get him? I forget, I think it was to check the weather forcast on his phone...and I said "Get up, Derek, and get your own dang weather report." Nap. Dyn. sarcasm first thing in the morning? Totally unexpected and therefore gut bustingly funny!
"Well MY chores are done." another Kip quote here. This one's hilarious anytime you want to toss it out there; done working at the end of the day? Time to quote Kip. Just changed a messy diaper? Taken out the garbage? Washed the dishes? Cleaned the rat cage? Lifted a finger in any way? Kip quote time! Bring it on. And sometimes add, "You ready, LaFawnda?" Gets 'em rolling in the aisles every time.
"That's like, a dollar an hour!" Best used anytime anything about time or money is mentioned. i.e., if I were to say to Derek, "Milk was on sale for $5.98 for 2 gallons" he could respond with "That's like, a dollar an hour!" If he said to me, "I have to work on Saturday from 11-3." I could say "That's like, a dollar an hour!"
"But Michelle," you say, "how can I know for certainty that MY peeps will laugh at these quotes? What if I don't get the tone of voice right, or something?"
Gentle reader, relax. It matters not that you sound exactly like your hilarious predecessor. The fact that you are even trying to sound like the original is what is hilarious about the whole thing. And believe me, if your peeps have any true sense of true humor, they will laugh. AbsoFRUITly**, they will laugh.
If you are among the .1% of readers who will read this post and roll your eyes in disgust, all I have to say to you, in my best Kelly Ripa voice and with my best Kelly Ripa facial expressions, is "Sweetie, don't be a playa hayta, sweetie..." (insert pouty lips here)
(um, yeah, that's the best I could come up with.)
-XOXO,
*"Flippin' Sweet" is from Napoleon Dynamite, "what do you think?!?"
(as in "Worst day of my life, what do you think?!?" Also from N.D.)
**Michael Scott, from The Office.
2 comments:
In my world you gets all hecka tired, and you so tore up you dont's even get to go to skool.
I guess language does change.
i CANNOT believe you left out "THAT'S WHAT *** SAID" only the best line of all time ever in the history of lines. i will not leave an example, out of respect to certain underage readers. :)
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