Friday, February 20, 2009

Bless the beasts and children...and the beasts who are children...

(Pre-script: Before reading any further, please go down to the playlist, click on the song, " Superman," by Five for Fighting, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)

...particularly the ones who live in my house and have the audacity to call me "Mom."

Is it too late to decide I don't want to be a mother anymore? Too late to turn in the i.d. card declaring me a "fit" mother, with the explanation that they were oh, so wrong when they issued that one to me? That I am a defective model, they just didn't see it because I smiled politely for them when they took my picture for the...i.d. card? I always smile politely for them, that's because they don't see me at home. I don't always smile like that at home. They also assumed I owned a Wonder Woman costume I could pull out anytime I needed to turn into her. Um, no, I don't. If they had read the questionnaire clearly, they would have seen that no, I do NOT have a Wonder Woman costume. I should have taken that question as a clue, that I would both need a Wonder Woman costume so that I could pretend to be her when reenacting super heroics for the daily entertainment of my children, and also because I would actually really need to become Wonder Woman on a daily basis just to manage and finagle my way through the day. It's probably also too late to get my down payment back, on, you know, my sanity.

"But Michelle," my imaginary reader is whispering,

"Yes, Gentle reader, what is it?"

"Michelle, they don't actually give you a card. "



Bigger gulp.


NO CARD?! Can't turn it in?!!

"Gentle reader, do you mean to tell me that They just let you go insane?!! "

"Yes, Michelle, that is exactly what I mean."

"WOW what a concept. "

"But Michelle,"

"Yes, gentle reader, I thought you were gone by now..."

"Michelle, not quite; I had another question."

"Okay, Gentle reader, okay, go on..."

"Michelle, what would you do if you WERE Insane?"

"Hmmm....gentle reader, you are making me think here, which is not a good thing to ask of a woman on the brink of cracking into a million pieces and losing every last ounce of sanity...yes, gentle reader, I might already be over the deep end...I might already be insane."

"Well, Michelle, if that is true, then what will you do?"

"Gentle reader, you are relentless. I guess I would...yeah, I think I will probably go buy a Wonder Woman costume.""

"Wow, Michelle, what a breakthrough."

"Yes, I will go do that right now. The peeps are between the ages of 9 and 2, which gives me ...Hey, gentle reader, it's been real, but I have to go now, so I can practice perfecting my spinning while rapidly changing clothes technique. I have approximately 9 more years to get it down. It's going to require a lot of energy and focus."

"Okay Michelle, good luck with that. XOXO!!"



Brian said...

Wow! An honest and true assessment of the unpublicised side of motherhood. Hopefully all the scores of mothers who live in the denial of their white picket fence existences will be encouraged to open up and ask for help when they need it, instead of pretending that "everythings okay". Thank you for taking on the hardest job on the planet.

Michelle said...

Um, you're welcome??

Anonymous said...

Is that the key? A wonder woman costume? I must have missed that memo. I better get one too..