Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A brief history of beer.

(Pre-Script: This post will expose taste buds you never knew you had when paired with the song, "32 Flavors." #22 on the playlist, so go down to the playlist, click on that song, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait...) (...still waiting...)
From what I can tell,
There once was a man in Milwaukee who was a wheat harvester. He was not a very good one, though, so he was very poor, and all he had to drink was the urine of the rats who frequently inhabited his wheat. He was such a bad wheat harvester that his wheat was always fermenting. So he would burn the fermented wheat, and the warmth of that fire would keep him from freezing to death. One day he thought to himself, "instead of using this highly flammable material to light the fire that will provide the warmth by which I will not freeze to death this day, I will drink it. It can't be worse than the rat urine I have been drinking." Upon drinking his fermented wheat, he declared,"Well, I'll be, it's no worse than the rat urine I have been drinking." This thought process progressed until the man bottled his fermented wheat, called it "beer," sold it to people who tasted it and said," Well, it's no worse than the rat urine we've been drinking," and kept buying it, mostly because of the TV commercials the man put on TV that featured Clydesdale horses clomping through the snow. Sometimes men would get drunk from drinking the beer and pull their women around by the hair and smash the empty glass bottles on top of each other's heads, so then it was questionable whether the beer was a good idea or not, but the people kept telling themselves,"It's no worse than the rat urine we used to drink," and that settled that. So now there is beer in the world.

Friends, it is easy to write a history of anything, as long as you make sure to leave few true words in there, like "beer," "ferment," and "Clydesdale."


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