Thursday, July 2, 2009


(Pre-Script: Don't panic, just go down to the playlist, click on the song, "How To Save A Life," #35 on the playlist, then come back and resume reading...I'll wait, in heart pounding expectation...) (...still waiting...)
It is possible to be having a nervous breakdown without realizing you are having one.
It is possible to be having an anxiety or panic attack without realizing you are having one.
I think that if you have one and don't realize it, you might just think that you feel crummy somehow, but you're not sure how to put your finger on it, or maybe you are sure how to put your finger on it, maybe you can accurately describe what you are experiencing and feeling, but you do not know that these symptoms within and happening to you are what = a breakdown, anxiety, and/or a panic attack.
It's possible to be happy and not realize it, too. It's possible to be happy and feel like you don't deserve it, so that causes you anxiety which makes you panic and leads to a nervous breakdown wherein your only choice is to ride the wave to shore, or sabotage yourself, your joy and peace, for what you can relax and take your shoes off in like the dog doo that is misery, failure, and defeat.
Sometimes you feel something tugging at you from the inside, pulling on your left ventricle, causing the blood to pool, the heart muscle to work harder and faster, and you are quite sure that you have not just stepped on a StairMaster. Sometimes you don't want to think about why your left ventricle is being tugged on, like a toddler tugging on the leg of the grown up he wants to lift him up and look him in the eye and listen to his story and hold him close. Who wants to hold a trauma close? But sometimes a trauma acts like it wants to be held close and listened to over and over and over again. But then it eventually to gets tired of it's own endless tale, and falls asleep for awhile. Like a toddler.
Age is a state of mind. My mind is in the state of Colorado. People who live in Colorado (mentally, at least) are healthy and mountainous and perpetually youngish with ever expanding lung capacity. They have less anxiety because they have discovered their inner endorphins. You know what they say, "an endorphin rush a day keeps the doctor away," and you know EXACTLY which doctor they mean,'s the exact same one you have been avoiding like the plague he is hoping to save you from.


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