Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A funny, almost horrible thing happened on the way to Meridian Avenue

(Pre-Script: To fully understand this post, you must first get inside my head. In leu of that possibility, go down to the playlist, click on the song, "Carry On, Wayward Son," by Kansas, #27, then come back and resume reading the post as that song plays in the background. It will not be for naught. I'll wait.) (...still waiting...)

There are reasons why I drive with all of the windows up. Reason # 5 is that it prevents wayward bugs from entering my vehicle while I am stopped at a stoplight or sign. Today I saw a bumble bee attempt to enter the open back window of a man's Honda Civic as he was stopped at a red light. I, too, was stopped at the light, but I was diagonally behind the Honda, so I had full visual. He was a careful driver, with his eyes on the road in front of him, and did not even see the bumble bee who was bumbling towards the Civic's back left passenger window. I started to call out to the bee: "NO! STOP!! YOU are making the WRONG CHOICE!!" it is possible that my inner panic caused a universal shift which was felt by the bee, and that this is why the bee did not enter the unsuspecting Honda driver's vehicle. We will never know, and the man will never know that he almost had a bumble bee in his backseat. I will always wonder how he would have reacted to that. I know how I would react to that, and it would not be pretty.
I'm sorry, but did you hear me when I said "BUMBLE BEE?" Please note that I did not say "Honey Bee," or "Sweet little worker bee" or any such nonsense like that. Bumble bee's are the huge black daddies that Winnie the Pooh cartoons try to cutesify, but in real life they are the size of Dallas. I know this because one such bumble bee flew in my front door a couple weeks ago, and was flying around my living room. It was the size of Dallas. I have never been to Dallas, so I just am guessing at the size, I am not meaning it in a literal sense, please, let's not get too technical here. It is not anything that can be physically measured, but if you could add up the mass of the bumble bee, both real and imagined, plus the size of the bee's ability to terrify and overwhelm, plus, again, the physical and theoretical mass of such a bee, it would add up to, roughly, the size of Dallas. I think.
I did what any self respecting person who fears being simultaneously chased and buzzed at would do: I swung a fly swatter at it with all of my might. I mostly swung in front of my face to keep the thing from getting too close, from getting any closer at all, and also I was swinging to usher the bee out the door. I am quite sure the bumble bee weighed too much for my flimsy swatter to kill, plus I am all for the peaceful coexistence of scaredy cat girl and huge flying buzzing things, as long as one of us (me) can stay indoors while the other (it) remains outdoors. I was also talking the bee through the process, since that seemed to work for Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robin, but the bee seemed to be getting angry at my fly swatter, and in turn, the person behind the fly swatter, ("Pay no attention to the girl hiding behind the swatter, doing some crazy wild 'get the bee out of my house' dance of panic") My out loud words were something like, "I am not trying to hurt you, I am just trying to show you how to get outside." and "Jesus, please get this bee out of my house right now, I am terrified" and "Bee, get out, because I really don't want to have to hurt you." And you know, it worked? The bee found the doorway and flew out like a happy champ, smelling the roses and wanting to get him some of that action. Yeah, baby.
Sometimes a child will say to me, "There is a bug/spider/fly/monster in my room ." and I, in my wise wisdom, and fear of indoor bugs, and general trying to feel out a kid who is trying to avoid going to bed from one who is possibly spiritually gifted, will say "Pray to Jesus to make it go away" just in case this "bug" is actually something of a different realm that my child is seeing into, and not just an actual physical bug. That doesn't usually work, so I have to actually investigate, find the bug and destroy it. So far they have all been actual physical bugs. But at least the kids have a mental arsenal of words now to speak into the bugs they encounter in this world. Some of the words they have learned from me to speak into the lives of the bugs they encounter are, "EEK!" and "AAAAHHHHH!"
I remember one evening when I had gotten home late, the house was dark, and I was tired...but before I could relax, I had to go through my nightly routine of turning on every light and checking all of the closets and behind doors, under beds, behind shower curtains, in certain large cupboards, and any other spot in the house that looked like it could be big enough to hide a burglar, if he or she was a contortionist or just very flexible. I was in the middle of completing my burglar hiding spot check when it occurred to me: "I do not have to say a word, but if I continue to act out this type of ritual, I am going to inadvertently teach my children to be afraid." That was the last night I conducted such a ritual. I had been afraid of who might be hiding in my house since I was a child, yet from that moment on, I refused to entertain that fear any longer were it to ever appear again. In 5 years, it has not, and neither has one single burglar been hiding, just waiting for me to get home...either that or they were such good contortionists that they all got out undetected.
I cannot get over the bug fear, nor do I try to pretend it does not exist. If I need to yell at a flying thing, I do. The kids laugh at their goofy Mother, who has a tendency to give them good therapy material for later, so that the dollars that fuel their counseling and rehab habits will not be unwell utilized. Maybe when I am 75 I will be calling them, "Help, dear children I birthed so very long ago, come quickly, there is a bug in my house!" and they will either say,
"Hold on mother, let me put on my slippers and walk up from the basement"
"Mother, I live too far away, I am having too awesome of a life for it to stop just because there is a bug in your general vicinity. Step on it, swat it, go to counseling, or ask Jesus to make it go away."
At that moment, I will know that I can rest in peace, for I will have taught them well.


1 comment:

Derek said...

I thought for sure that Ethan was going to get an honorable mention. That kid screamed so loud, and a lot, when he saw a spider earlier tonight.

And in case anyone is wondering, Michelle and every one of the kids, especially the younger two, absolutely freak out if there is a bee anywhere near them.