Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Power of Gum

(Pre-script: I hope that as you read this you have just placed a fresh piece of gum in your mouth, or are in the middle of real good piece, just at that perfect sweet spot of gum chewing perfection. Chew that thing out, baby. Chew it out. Also, go down to the playlist and click on the song, " The Power of Love," #48,only when you sing along, change the lyrics to "The Power of Gum," then come back and resume reading. I'll wait.) (...still waiting...)

I don't know what kind of gum you chew, but mine comes with this warning:

"Not a low calorie food."

Sweet Potato Pie and Shut My Mouth, This just takes all of my preconceived notions about gum and throws them out the window. I have not ever thought of gum as a "food." Whenever I hear a person say:

"...blah blah blah, Eating Gum, blah blah blah,"

in a sentence, I feel as if I have been slapped the face by a weak girl.* One does not EAT gum. Gum is a delightfully mouthwatering, flavorful, chewing experience that helps in the practice and perfection of bubble blowing skills, and in clear thinking skills. My thoughts only go from "deep" to "super deep," for which I credit the gum chewing.

When gum has died, gone flat, lost it's flavor, gotten hard, gotten mushy, or you are just done with it already, you are expected to remove it from your mouth and throw it away in an appropriate trash receptacle. You do not put it under the chair upon which you are sitting, or under the table in front of you. If you are outdoors, you do not toss it outdoors, for surely some small woodland creature will try to swallow it, it will get stuck in his throat, and he will die. Apparently small woodland creatures also mistake gum for food. It is their fatal flaw.
I knew not to swallow my gum when I was a kid, and someone told me that it takes 7 years for a piece of gum to digest. No one wants a big ball of gum stuck in his or her stomach for 7 years, made up of all of the pieces of gum you have swallowed within that time period. No one...although now that I think about it, that will be a good excuse to use from now on, anytime someone says to you, "Are you bloated/retaining water/pregnant/or did you just have a baby," You can tell him or her,

"No, it's just a big ball of gum, I am still waiting for it to digest. Should be about 4 more years and 3 more months, by my estimations."

"DOH! I mistook it for a food again; I keep swallowing it."

But gum is not food; One is not expected to swallow it, which WOULD be eating gum, which is NOT LOW in calories, let's be honest. But apparently, the calories leak out, anyway, stealthily, while you are chewing it. The pack I just opened said "The calorie content for this size piece of gum has been changed from 7 to 4." Before I read that, it had never occurred to me about different sizes of gum pieces having different calorie amounts. Sometimes I chew two pieces of gum at once...so I guess I am now going to have to double up on my workouts. DOH! Dagnabbit Gumblasted Gum.


*Not all girls are weak, there are many strong girls, there are also weak girls, and do you want to be slapped in the face by either? No, no you don't.

1 comment:

hank_hansen said...

hello! Hank from Dolce leaves his regards... I enjoyed your writing! and is that your vw bus in the picture at the top? very cool.