Monday, March 16, 2009

Shaky Steps

(Pre-script: This post is best paired with one of my favorite songs of all time, "Walk Down This Mountain," by Bebo Norman. Go down to the playlist, click on that song, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait.) (...still waiting.)

Faith never was about, "Take every thing you think you know and throw it out your ear. Or the nearest window." It's more like, "Take everything you know, respect it, examine it, and then trust ME that what I know and see is even more accurate than you could ever know...because I'm God and you are human, and you only are using about 10 percent of your brain's capacity, anyway, that brain I put in your head in the first place."
Sometimes fear is the result of a thinking person actually thinking. I analyze everything. I like to know, understand, be able to wrap my brain around a thing. Wrap my heart around a thing. But some things are not brain or heart shaped. Some things may never make sense. I hate that. I hate just sitting with a thing. I'm more like an excited puppy dog, jumping up and down, so excited to lick your face, hoping that maybe you'll pat my head, and Pick ME! Pick ME!! Here I am! And if I had a tail, it would be furiously wagging!
A friend of mine wrote me a note recently titled "My Blah's," and in it she told me what was happening in her life, where she was going, what she was afraid of. Sometimes the only way through a thing is, dad gammit, through that thing. Dag Nabbit, you have to go through the thing. Gum blasted, I HATE having to go through the thing I don't understand. I hate that worst of all.
I can't make fear go away by will. Emotions are tricky like that. But I do the faith thing even though I am afraid. I am afraid because maybe I have been hurt before, and I remember it. So sometimes the steps are shaky; sometimes they are microscopic, detectable only if you were to take a long exposure picture, or if you were some hawk flying overhead. But still you are STEPPING, still I am stepping, because I know that what I know is not all that there is... This is crazy talk, but it's the only way I'll ever really live, in an actually being alive sort of way.


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