Monday, January 5, 2009


(Pre-script: This post is best paired with the song, "Ants Marching," so it is in your own best interest to go down to the playlist, click on that song, then come back and resume reading. I'll wait.) (...still waiting...)
This morning I was irritated at the girl on the stepmill next to me. While I was marching up and up and up, She was doing some crazy sideways step and leg stretch thing, and I was thinking "dude, just step normal, already." It's not her fault I was irritated, though; I am sure that if I am honest with myself, and all of you, that I was really just irritate that I didn't come up with that cool, innovative sidestep stretch move first. Okay, I can offer her that bit of a gracious thought today, for she is a regular gym goer; I see her there often. We are bonded in the sisterhood of regular gym goers. I would not, could not be so gracious to her if she were a January.
Y'all, the Januaries are back.
You know what I mean; the people who resolve to finally get in shape this year, and crowd the gym the first Monday after New Years Day. That's nice, but Januaries, could you please realize that you are not serious about your resolution to work out, as you were not serious about it last year, or the year before? If you were serious about it, you would not have waited until January to go to the gym, you would have been here all along, sweatin' it out with the rest of us. I would not mind you being here if it didn't mean crowded machines, and that I might have to give up a treadmill for you. And I might have to give it up at a crucial moment, like when I am grooving to an awesome tune that I am trying with all my might not to actually sing along to, even though I sometimes allow myself the indulgence of mouthing the words*. Do you know how it feels when a trainer asks me to "share" the treadmill with a January? How is a slightly neurotic girl supposed to train to be an Olympic marathon runner if I have to give up my treadmill so that a January can get on.
Treadmills are not for sharing, peeps: that's just a co dependant notion, one of many that our society embraces as noble. (I don't have time or energy to get into that right now.) Let's be clear: if you want a treadmill, get to the gym earlier. I did, obviously.

I know that you are going to fizzle out very soon, January person, and so do all of the other regular gym goers, so why don't you catch the clue train a little quicker this time, jump on, and give us back our gym?!? And then if you feel guilty, just go take a nice long walk outside... try not to feel like a doofus for forking over the cash for a gym membership. DOH! I'm sure that you can get your money back. Thanks so much.


*Derek thinks that I actually sing out loud, but just don't realize it. It's possible, but highly doubtful.


Francesca said...

1. i sing out loud at the gym constantly, and i totally don't care, so you go girl. i am totally in favor of being dorky at the gym.
2. totally hear you about the januaries. the gym has actually gotten steamier and stinkier with the sheer number of them. ah well...

vic-a-la said...

i hear the irritation, ya'll, but you gotta at least applaud them for getting their booties there and trying. and while i'm quite certain this is not the time or place to bring that side of the argument up, i just did.
sorry you had to share, button! specially when you got your 4 little peeps a'waitin...

Michelle said...

Vic, I published your comment because I'm nice. Did you read the post?!? If they were serious, they would not have waited until January. Hello?!?! I do not need to applaud that. It happens every year, and it's always annoying.

Michelle said...

P.S. I reserve the right to be cynical, sarcastic, tongue in cheek, real, honest, subtle, yet deep,and however else I feel like being on any particular day, on my own blog.